There’s a term in Scotland that many will know about, and of course, many may not. That term is called “the dreaded lurgy” This is a humorous term for an unspecified or indeterminate illness such as a heavy cold or the flu. Personally, I thought it was a purely Scottish term but it seems to date back to the days of The Goon Show. The fact that arch-comedian Spike Milligan was involved probably explains quite a lot.
Anyway, the dreaded lurgy does not make good bedfellows with turfing, as I found out recently. Where my current infestation of the dreaded lurgy originated from remains a mystery. Good guesses might be during numerous visits to the Borders General Hospital or the Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh, both valued seats of medical care and learning but unfortunately also full of sick people, many coughing and spluttering as they pass you in the corridor or trapped with you in the airless confines of the elevator. However, I suspect the actual culprit was my little sister Pauline, whom we met with down in Selkirk when my mother was taken ill. Will probably never know for sure.
So, trying to turf on a bicycle was a heavy dose of the dreaded lurgy, is most definitely not enjoyable and most likely should be avoided. Symptoms of the dreaded lurgy are many and varied but one stood out as I tried, and I say tried my very best, to ascend even a moderate hill with some degree of steady forward motion. The symptom was shortness of breath, perhaps together with tiredness and body aches. I must have sounded like an old man who puffed 60-a-day for most of his life. Mind you, even while I may actually be almost an official old man – I’ll be 64 this year – one old dear asked, “are you alright, son?” Guess I’m not that old then. Had it been night-time my puffing, wheezing and general groaning might have been mistaken for the start of the zombie apocalypse.
The next symptoms of the dreaded lurgy are a blocked and runny nose (both at the same time, of course) and streaming eyes. The blocked nose means you become a mouth breather, where you gasp in mouthfuls of air to power your congested lungs, along with a few insects as well. The runny nose has you sniffling and snorting like one of those Pugley dogslets you come across with built-in breathing difficulties. And of course, the runny stuff you don’t sniff or snort back up, ends up on your mobile phone. Why don’t I blow my nose? Because I don’t have a hankie! Finally, streaming eyes, which, through blinking, makes a mess of your spectacles and you look like you’ve been crying.
Then there’s the high temperature and chills. This is really weird. I was taking zone Bannockrigg, it was bathed in lovely warm sunshine and no wind. People were walking about in t-shirts and shorts, lovely girls were sunbathing topless and bronzed muscled lads were dead lifting said giggling bathing girls. Yet here I was, my head was flushed hot and red like I’d been out in a Tropical sun for hours, while my body was cold and shivering uncontrollably. Just how can you feel hot and cold at the same time? Really strange.
Finally, there’s the headache, cough and sore throat. I lump these all together because they seem to feed on each other to make you feel worse. You get the cough because you have a sore throat, the cough makes the sore throat worse and coughing gives to a worse headache than the one you already have. Bloody miserable if you ask me. And all the symptoms above combine to stop you from sleeping, making you even more tired and miserable. You can try to relieve the symptoms of the dreaded lurgy with paracetamol and/or Ibuprofen, or those cold remedy things which are just flavoured paracetamol. Personally, I find they help for a short while but really do very little. Probably a waste ot time ad money.
Anyway, managed a decent 40 miserable wish-I-was-home-in-bed takes, get home to find ChoccyMuffin is now wearing a mask to avoid contamination as she is off to Spain for a golfing holiday and I can now say for certain, speaking from actual experience of turfing in the real world, that you are best to avoid turfing when you have the dreaded lurgy. Even if your partner uses the “man-flu” ploy. Enough said. I’m off to bed.
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